Beta-Reader: Maah - Translator: Minush
INTRODUCTION
Why cry for him when I could be smiling for myself?
Why suffer for not having him and not be happy for getting rid of him?
Self-flagellation. I could only be a complete masochist.
Is it pleasurable to feel pain? To feel your heart breaking in a thousand little pieces? To be only mourning about what you don’t have?
Because, sincerely, I didn’t feel any pleasure. But something seemed to force me to like that, long for that. In reality, the only pleasurable bit in pain is the beginning of it. Well, not the beginning but what makes the pain appear. And the path towards pain, for me, was passion.
Or was it just longing for passion?
Was I and addict to falling in love?
EXPLANATION
Chase, Richard, James, Bob, Paul, Frank and, lastly, .
He was the one whom I considered responsible for my latest suffering.
Yes, I suffered because of him. And, before knowing what it meant, I thought I suffered because of love.
I met Chase when I was in year five. He gave me a peak and said he would marry me. On the next day, he did the same thing to the girl who was my best friend then. That was the first time someone broke my heart. And I suffered.
Richard went to school with me in year seven. At his birthday party, he asked me a kiss for a gift. I gave him one and, soon after, he went telling every boy that I was a bad kisser. My first kiss, with the guy that I liked, was a disaster. I suffered.
James, well... James was my first boyfriend. We were in year eight and he was cruel. He broke up with me after three weeks, without any explanation, and I, once again, suffered.
Bob was my first real boyfriend – at home. We were together for two months until the disgraceful guy cheated on me. I, obviously, found out. And, again, suffered.
I lost my virginity with Paul. He was 22 and I was 15. It was a one night stand. And I suffered because of that.
Frank and I dated for a year. We broke up because he said he didn’t like me anymore. And, guess what? I suffered again!
Then, when I turned 18, appeared.
He appeared when I most needed someone and presented himself willingly to be part of my life.
We were friends, confidants, advisers and lovers, but never lovers.
He didn’t want a serious relationship.
At the beginning, and I didn’t want one as well but, after a while, my desire to me with someone – in this case, him – became incontrollable.
We always went out together, walked holding hands, and went to parties together, restaurants, bars, pubs, nightclubs, concerts, cinema, theatre… We travelled together. We spent an incredible weekend in the mountains!
After three months like this, without a relationship that was like dating, when he passed by my university to give me a ride home and gave me a peak whilst we were laughing at something, the question came:
- Are you two dating?
I hugged him by the waist and, together, we said no.
So, the person that had asked, went away giggling and we heard her saying to her friend:
- But they will date!
On the same date our little “thing” was over.
And, after four months without a kiss, I still missed him and was suffering.
THOUGHTS
The addiction is directly connected to pleasure. If you feel pleasure in doing something, and always feel like doing it, you are addicted.
Since year five, when Chase gave a small peak, I started liking the feeling that precedes a meaningful kiss – liking someone. Even if I suffered at the end, what was good, for me, was the beginning of it all: falling for the person.
I read that passion has an expiring date: three years. If after those years you still feel something towards the person, congratulations! You are in love!
I never quite fell in love, though I wanted it to happen with .
That’s why I blamed him for making me suffer. Damn! He’s . Not Chase, Bob, Frank or Paul! It’s . And I didn’t want him to be just another, I wanted him to be the one, to make a diference.
Unfortunately, I can’t choose. It would be easy to live by choices. And life, well... What would life be, if there wasn’t challenges?
SORTING IT OUT
Two years have passed since “dumped me”. I tried to get back to him, I tried to show that it was right for us to be together, and did the possible and the impossible but I didn’t manage.
Then Harold appeared, putting my life back on the right track. We got together at the beginning of last year and broke up friendly last week. Incredible as it may seem, I didn’t suffer. We were too good of friends to be together, hence the end was inevitable.
And, yesterday, looked for me.
He stayed single all this time. Enjoying the beauty of being single. Being good looking and nice is a privilege for few. And is privileged.
- I wanted to ask you out - told me on the phone.
- Why don’t you? - I laughed and he accompanied me.
- I’ll pass by at nine. You still live in the same place, right?
- Yes. I'll wait for you.
Was this a date?
At nine o'clock, I heard a horn. Punctual as always.
And he was still with his brother’s red Uno. Yes. After two years he was still with the same car. Probably, his brother gave it to him, since I always saw my ex-almost-brother-in-law driving a Palio.
Before going down the stairs, I looked in the mirror again, checking my clothes, make-up and shoes.
I passed by my parents in the living room - because I was still living with them - and I realized that they looked at me.
- Any particular reason? - Mum asked.
- No, mum. Just going out with a friend. - I smiled and turned back to the door.
- Hmm .. - She seemed interested - What friend?
- Oh! - I opened the door – It’s only .
I could hear my father choking with his glass of water while I followed the way to the gate.
He had a reason for this: while I suffered for , the whole family suffered. Especially dad, who was always close to me. The best thing that happened to me in the last two years, for him, was meeting Harold. As much as was the dream son-in-law, since he supported the same team as dad, unlike Harold, who supported the rival team, he hated to see his daughter suffer. And made me suffer. Dad certainly wouldn’t want to go through that again.
When I opened the gate, was leaning on the car. He wore jeans, and thanks to my good God, had changed the tank top to a black shirt. And polo! I smiled and went to him, straightening the collar:
- You’re wearing polo! - I murmured, laughing.
- Oh, c’mon! - He laughed too. - You don’t know how uncomfortable this stuff is! - He hugged me, smelling my neck. - And you're wearing the perfume I like.
I wrinkled my nose and moved away from the hug.
- I like it too. - I looked into his eyes before moving away from him, turning around to get into the car. - So? Where are we going?
He laughed.
- Get in there. I'll tell you later.
We entered the car and he was just messing around with sound.
- Remember this?
The chicken song started playing and I laughed.
- Seriously, ! You still have it?
Going back a little, on the day that we kissed, just before he kissed me, we were laughing at the chicken song, which he had as ringtone.
- I'm kidding ...
He laughed and changed the song. I relaxed on realizing that Falamansa¹ now played (guess what was playing during our first kiss? Needless to say, right?). I lay my head on the chair, closing my eyes and smiling weakly. started the engine and as we were going very quietly, I turned my face to the side to look at him.
He was serious, as he always was when driving, with his left hand on the wheel and the other one loose, tapping onto his leg to the beat. He just changed hands when needed to move the gear.
All his habits were the same. Even to put the car in neutral as he passed a bump and to switch the lights off when we approached a crossing.
After a while, that seemed like an eternity to me, he turned his face to left and faced me.
- What?
- Nothing.
We smiled.
He switched the hand on the wheel, putting his left one on my leg.
I did nothing. I wanted it to happen.
I closed my eyes and felt stroking my leg with his thumb.
It was as if nothing had ever separated us.
- Can I know where we’re going yet?
- Hm, you know the place.
I opened my eyes, staring at him.
- And where is it? - I smiled.
- Wood stove.
- This time without your cousins.
- Yes. No caricatures either.
The first time we went to that pizzeria, some of his cousins joined us. The eldest of them was great at making caricatures. The result was that the first picture that all his family saw of me was a pretty funny drawing.
parked the car and we went down. He gave me his hand when we were side by side and pulled the chair for me to sit when we arrived at our table.
- Thank you.
He just smiled and sat down in front of me.
We had a delightful evening, laughing at the last time we were there and remembering of great times we had spent together.
He was mad when I didn’t let him drink his much-loved beer.
- You’re going to take me home afterwards. And I intend to get there alive.
Only when I agreed to drink coconut water² with him, he gave up drinking.
Later, as we went home, we were stopped by some policemen and he had to undergo a breath test³.
- Did I hear something? - I asked as he re-started the engine and followed to my house.
- Thank you.
- It was a pleasure.
It didn’t take long for him to stop in front of my house.
He turned off the car and stopped me from opening the door.
- Before you go down ... - He breathed a little, giving me the opportunity to stop him.
- Don’t say anything that’ll ruin our night, please.
- No, no! It won’t ruin it! - He smiled, calming me down and he held my hand. Before you go, I just need to say that this was a date.
I smiled back at him and move my lips close to his face, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
- Good night.
I opened the door and went down.
He didn’t call me for a week.
And I was not apprehensive. Or suffered, as I thought would happen if he ever came back to feed my illusions and then abandon me.
The following Saturday, my phone rang.
- I’ll be at your house at nine.
And the cycle started.
On the sixth Saturday he didn’t need to call me for me to get ready to go out with him at nine. I already knew that he would come. And he knew what I’d know that.
My parents were used to it, although Dad still had fears because, well, I was going out with .
On the Friday that preceded the ninth Saturday, I got sick. I didn’t even go to work.
On Saturday, instead of waiting for me outside, he came in.
I hid my face under the blankets when I saw him enter my room.
- You're not seeing me like that. - I murmured.
- Yeah. It's kind of hard to see you, since you’re hidden under the covers.
I felt my mattress go a bit down near my feet.
- Is it already nine? - I asked, still under the covers.
- Nine o’clock. And I brought you a gift. - He tried to gently pull my covers.
I kept them up where they were.
- What gift?
- I’ll only show you when I see you.
We continued to discuss it for a while until he won. I let him see me and he handed me my box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates.
- I brought some movies.
- How did you know that I wasn’t well? - I frowned when I asked.
He moved his lips near my ear and whispered:
- Your dad told me.
- And why did you whisper? - I asked in the same tone.
- Because it was your mother who told me that your father had asked her phone me. They asked me to not tell you.
We laughed, and after a while, he snuggled in my bed next to me and we spent the night watching movies and eating the chocolates he had brought me.
He went home shortly before three o'clock.
On the tenth Saturday, when I opened the gate to go out, he looked at me, smiled and stuck his lips to mine. Our first kiss, after a little over two years, had happened. And the kiss was just like I remembered. I shivered from head to toe. His arms were kept firmly around my waist, cradling me in a hug that made I had missed so much. The kiss ended and he ran his chin - unshaven - through my neck, in a way that he knew I liked: I had confessed that when we were still together.
- ! - I tried to reprimand him.
He laughed and continued. I could only shiver.
- Sorry for the past.
I asked him to shut up.
- No, . I’m serious. I won’t say that I didn’t know what I was doing because I knew. I was sober; I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want. And I didn’t want a serious relationship at the time.
- Yes, I know.
- Remember when I said that I would marry my next girlfriend?
- I remember. - I said, remembering when he told me that, looking deeply in my eyes.
- I wasn’t, and I believe I’m still not, ready for marriage, but I feel . I feel that you are the right person.
Two years have passed and we were still together. The three years of passion were over. The only pleasure I liked was the feeling of falling in love with the same guy every day.
I no longer needed to suffer.
Falamansa¹: Brazilian band
Coconut water²: Found inside a coconut. We actually do drink it in Brazil.
(…) Stopped by some policemen and he had to undergo a breath test.³: At night, policemen eventually have raids. This means they stop every single car and make the driver undergo a breath test, by which they know if you consumed alcohol. This is to prevent drink driving.
Sweet as possible.
I love when I manage to write fanfics in a day and send them to the beta reader on the same day.
I confess that I didn’t pay attention to the lessons today because of the fanfic and that I should be writing It Was Better Knowing Nothing, but I simply can’t concentrate on it, despite already knowing what I’m going to write for the whole story. There seems to be something that prevents me.
Well, lately I have written loads of short fics based on my life. To be honest, all my fanfics have a bit of me. It wasn’t different with this one.
It was quick, but I wouldn’t say that it’s foolish. I’ve put my feelings in it.
I really want you to tell me what you think of it.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented. I get really happy because of that.
Xx, Babi.
English mistakes: Send them to mama_mbc@yahoo.com.br
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